to the girl who's never kissed a guy

Monday, June 26, 2017

[preface: like all my posts, this is a personal opinion throw-out that's based on my own experiences. 
it's not me preaching that everyone should do it my way....
...but maybe it's something to at least think about...]

bringing down walls




here we go

i still vividly remember sitting in that hot car, hurt tears streaming down my face, at a church picnic. i'd never felt more bullied in my life. 
it wasn't over looks
it wasn't over popularity
it wasn't over 
or smarts.


of all things, it was over


yea i didn't see that one coming either.
in fact, sitting in that car, i still wasn't sure why it had turned into bullying.
i can still remember, though, what it felt like to be surrounded by a group of teenage peers under that draping willow tree, and telling them

i was determined to save my first kiss for the man i knew i'd marry 


because to me, a kiss was reflective of  sincere and honest love.
not the kind that wakes up the next morning with regret
or the one that looks back with "well that was dumb"
or the one that only lasts only as long as the casual, socially-flippant"i love you" 
but which holds no true meaning--no perpetual deepening or persistent devotion. 

somehow, it meant more to me than that. 

and yet

the backlash was as unexpected as it was harsh

"that's stupid"
"you're out of your mind if you think you can wait that long"
"you really think you'll ever find a guy who's never kissed another girl? get real"
"you think that's what you want now, but just wait"
"its just for fun, and doesn't have to mean anything"
"get over it"

maybe they were right

but after a good half hour of mocking, i made for the car and sat there, crying, and angry that these so-called friends would tear at such real hope of mine.
the hope that someday, when i chose to give that away, that it would mean everything i wanted it to mean.

that was...idk...probably close to 10 years ago.
years of dating in college never took that desire away from me.

i can still remember the first time i shut a guy down when he tried to go for it...and go figure....i walked away without an ounce of regret. 
that pattern went on and on. 
by the end of my sophomore year, the explanatory doorstep script was so rote 
i could have recited it in my sleep. 

"sorry, but i decided a long time ago, that I want my first kiss to be for the man i decide to marry"

beyond that, though....(more than i could explain to the guy standing on my doormat totally confused as to why i could possibly not want to kiss him at the end of the third....second....(for crying out loud, boys) FIRST date)....was the deeper desire to have my kiss truly mean 

i love you

NOT "i like you" or "it'll be fun" or "let's go for it" or "because he's cute" or "it's just a kiss" or for any other reason.
i wanted it to truly mean "i love you" the deepest and most sincere way I could possibly express.

when i first met Chad i didnt't think he was my type. 
in fact, a group of us went hot tubbing one night and in a game of two truths and a lie, 
I tossed "i've never kissed a guy" out there.....(stumps em every time;)
knowing from multiple people in the ward that "every girl was after Chad" i expected him to be the type who--with his good looks and attracting personality--had "been around the block" so to speak. 
My "truth" sparked conversation about kissing and between the chatter and laughs, I casually commented, "Chad, I'll bet you've got some good stories."

he went silent and i concluded that my assumptions were right


i've never been more happy to be wrong in my entire life


two months later, the day after chad and i officially started dating, i brought up, again, that i'd been saving my first kiss for the man i could honestly say i truly loved
completely unexpectedly, chad turned to me and in a moment i wish i could re-live over and over again, he told me he was waiting to give his first kiss for the same reason. 

every once of doubt those "friends" had planted in me all those years ago, disappeared in that one moment when I realized that
  I'd found a man who priced his kiss just as high and just as valuable as I did mine.

 our first kiss a few days later came, because i KNEW what it meant for me....and i KNEW what it meant for him. 
it was one and the same.
it was the most precious exchange i've ever experienced. 

i wasn't short-changing him.
and he wasn't short-changing me.

it was as
as it was

and it was everything I'd ever hoped it would be.
Was it because it was perfect? breathtakingly romantic? executed flawlessly? 

heck no

It was a moment i will never forget because the meaning behind it was all that i'd ever wanted it to be. And i've never felt more confident peace knowing that i HAD found a man who was willing and respectful enough to save all that he could....

>>> for me <<<

there was NO feeling like it, knowing that the price I  had attached to my first kiss was my own. I alone got to decide what that was. 
it was high, yes.
and that's exactly how i wanted it. 
in return, i knew that receiving Chad's first kiss was the same priceless gift--one that was whole, untainted, and as equally valuable as what i gave him in return. 


i have to stop here

i am well aware of the fact that to some, a kiss does not reflect the same meaning as it did for chad and I....or that other circumstances still reflect honesty in kissing, despite if they end in marriage.

 i get that. 
trust me.

>>> is it that big of a deal to not save a first kiss? <<<

no....i'll agree completely with that statement.
it really isn't THAT big of a deal to not have your first kiss be the man you love or marry. 


i can tell you first-hand

that getting to the point where i could give my first kiss to chad

a big deal
.....'s not a huge deal to not wait. but if you do....oh gosh....i can't even express what that meant for me then, and what it continues to mean for BOTH of us now. 
it really is a reflection, for Chad and I, of where we are committed and why.

 shutting down guys time and time again--the whole awkward doorstep scenes, uncomfortable explanations, slipping out of too-close hugs, and dodging behind the door before saying goodnight....

  was beyond worth it

taking the mocking (however light-heartedly) from friends, roommates, etc. and laughing off the slightly-cynical teasing

was beyond worth it. 


so why this post now?

because in talking to friends and other girls over all those years before I'd given my first kiss away, I'd hear them moan over the ridicule they'd also faced from people who should have supported them.
they'd doubt their decision or their desires.
they'd really only confide hesitantly, almost embarrassed, by the fact that they'd never kissed a guy. 

why i'm writing this now

so that every girl who's ever wanted her first kiss to be more than a casual, off-handed, flirty, expectation-based, pressured, capricious token you toss to whoever asks for it...
can know that it is SO worth it to wait. 

like...i can't even describe how beautiful and priceless that sacrifice will mean to me for the rest of my life

and know also....that there ARE guys out there who are waiting...who value that still...who will hold out for you...and who are pricing their kiss FAR above what anyone else will tell them it's worth. 

don't get to that point with them, only to realize that you can't give them a gift as equally precious as what they are giving you. 

guys like that DO exist, despite what anyone may say.

chad is the best thing that ever happened to me

it wouldn't have made THAT big of a difference if he or I hadn't saved our first--and only--kisses for each other. 
BUT...because we is a priceless gift that the two of us--just the two of us together--get to share. 

...and I wouldn't trade that for the world....

so save it. 
YOU attach that pricetag.
and don't compromise.
trust that there is someone out there for you who feels the same.
don't divvy out what it's worth.
keep it complete and whole.

so that can know when you give that to the person you realize you want to love and serve and sacrifice for for the rest of eternity....

it can be worth its full value.

.....and in case i haven't said it enough..... me....

 it is 
worth it

CopyRight © | Anna Parker