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When TWO Become ONE

Sunday, June 11, 2017

CHRISTMAS?!

i haven't blogged since CHRISTMAS?!

y'know, the best thing of my life was when Apple's emoji board finally included a facepalming brunette. cause let's be real....SOML.

welp...back on this wild pony....again:) 
time for some more thoughts,
...this time with the FIANCE....

yup

...i just confirmed i haven't blogged in wayyyy too long...
(more on the whole dating, engagement, crazy fun later;)
but for now...i'm just jumping in feet first!


a few months ago, Chad and I were talking about goals, looking forward into the summer 
(aka what every college student does when midterms hit like there's gonna be no tomorrow)
and Chad told me he was gonna sign up for a marathon with his brother. 





WILDEST DREAM MOMENT: wait no…. yea...it's still not there....nope....never dreamed of running a marathon.


But hearing your fiance who ran cross country in high school say it all of the sudden turns it into this exciting new adventure you get to gladly spectate

 (without actually doing;)

The next few months between visiting family, finishing out the school year, finding new jobs, and planning a wedding, Chad trained for hours, while it sunk in how much I missed him while he was out running. But regardless, it was still exciting being a third-party cheer squad for my main squeeze.


....he'd send me pics of the view from his runs.....















...i'd send back disney gifs...













...y'know how it goes....



I think what I didn’t realize, though, was how much this marathon really was becoming an investment for both of us….i just didn’t recognize it until the day of the race.

Y’know…people always say when you marry someone, the two of you become one. I guess in my mind that made sense….it just still seemed abstract or perhaps even too obvious.

Yesterday, when Chad ran his race….it all clicked for me, though.

The day before, I spent the afternoon and evening making dinner for his carb load, picking up handwarmers for the pre-race, buying last-minute running accessories, and reading over race material.

We bought GU’s together, browsed the running expo, and talked plans for the big day.

I was excited.

 I love sports, love early mornings, and love seeing Chad stoked for a race.
It was a perfect combination.

It hit me that morning though, when at 3am, I dropped him off at the loading buses that would take them 20 miles up the canyon to start their race.

I’m a sympathetic cryer.
And yes, it’s a blessing and a curse.

But the tears I cried that morning, driving away from the loading station, once I was back in bed trying to catch some more sleep, and again when I woke up, unable to sleep…..that was so different than anything I’ve experienced. I was kinda taken back by the reaction I was having seeing this man I love more than anything in this world, take on something so hard and challenging.

Every moment of that race, it seemed, I was living with him.

I worried about whether he’d be too hot, too cold.
I thought about how his back had been bothering him.
I recalled how many runners had mentioned how brutal the downhill slope is on the feet.
I thought of him sitting for two hours around a campfire, pre-race, trying to keep warm.
I worried if he’d have enough water…

enough food

enough sleep

enough energy 

to see it through.

every thought was unbelievably consuming

Chad's brother's wife (i can wait a second while you sort it out;) and I
 ended up in the canyon at the first point where spectators could cheer on their runners at mile 19. 

Words can’t even describe how crazy happy I was, seeing him come around the bend, still smiling….and still alive;) I was basically beside myself.

His happiness was mine. And the relief I felt at seeing him enjoying it….just yes.

We leapfrogged them a few more times, and each time I saw him, I realized that he was getting more and more exhausted. That quick smile of his didn’t come as easily, and I could tell he was in pain.

…oh gosh…..here I go again….the race is well over and I’m crying again…..
geez laweez

By the time they crossed that finish line, when I first got to hold him…what I didn’t realize was that all the emotions were just starting.

We sat at the finish line for nearly an hour, while I watched him barely able to stand, in pain, exhausted, weak, and inside….i was beside myself.

MOMS….please tell me if this is what it’s like with KIDS.
Cause, really, it's the only thing I could compare it to, on top of the fact that it was the first time I'd felt this strongly enveloped in another's struggle. 

…for the first time…I realized how deeply the pain of another, could willingly become my own. I held back tears (ok...didn't really hold them back...they came out anyways), and I ached inside to do whatever I could to take his pain from him.
Gosh….."heartwrenching” totally became a thing for me in that moment.

The rest of the day included being right by his side while he struggled to walk, rubbing out so many sore muscles, worrying over him while he tried to sleep off the aches, and trying to make him comfortable while his body was figuring out what. the. heck. just. happened.

And somehow, all of that wasn’t enough for me.

I felt totally helpless to ease his pain.
Emotionally, I felt like I was living every bit of it.
And physically, I was beyond frustrated that I couldn’t just take it away from him.


My dad asked me later, “So, do you feel like you’ve emotionally run a marathon?”



Yes

THAT



The meaning behind “the two shall become one” finally made sense to me.

I am NO saint.
I am SO imperfect.
Heck, half the time, I’m out the window.
And honestly speaking....
i really should have learned this lesson, this deeply,  a LONG time ago.

But I realized yesterday that marriage…relationships with a spouse…should fill the meaning of 

oneness.

Yea…I cried more tears yesterday that Chad did.
And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
I would do it all over again in a hearbeat.

“Bearing one another’s burdens” took on a whole new meaning for me yesterday.
But it was in a way that, this time, I embraced with no thought of hesitation or regret.


I realized that I wanted NOTHING more than to shoulder that burden with Chad.
It was crazy to me how something so difficult could be so fulfilling.
Because after it all, i love that boy more than ever. 

Y’know, I really didn’t see a marathon being the conduit for me learning what “two shall become one” really meant.
But it was as beautiful as it was hard.
And I’d do all of it again, despite.


soooo....relationship goals….


i want our marriage to be like that


I believe very marriage should be like that

I realized yesterday that that's what TRULY loving someone is

it means sharing those difficulties
and realizing when it's all said and done, just how much more you love them because of it.


I am so. far.  from being perfect.
It takes things like a fiancé running a marathon for me to learn things like this.
I’m learning how to navigate this whole new level of commitment.

And through it all, I’m probably WAY too emotional

But it’s an incredible realization.
I realized yesterday how deep love can go.
And how fulfilling sharing those burdens can be.


I love that man even more than ever before after all that happened yesterday.


...SO BASICALLY.....


….I can’t wait for eternity….










.....





they managed to hid the pain for 3.2 seconds;) #CHAMPS

#fiancepridemoment












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